It’s been a while
I’m doing better now though
I’ve just gone through months of insomnia which made me unable to cope and lead to feelings of deep depression and eventually I relapsed and cut myself
before that the last time I had cut myself was nearly two years ago
but I’ve started recovery again and I’m feeling stronger
the insomnia has been cured with the help of medication and my state of mind is better, not good, but better
I’m not sure how long I’ll go without cutting this time, I hope I never cut again, but I know not to make promises to myself.
I’m not as stable as I pretend to be.
It’s taken a while to admit this but I can feel myself sinking again.
It’s like there’s this hole inside me where a creature lives, and when I’m with people or distracted it stays hidden but when I’m alone it crawls out and runs its claws across my brain so that all the happiness is ripped away… and I can feel it laughing at me, telling me how useless and pathetic I am… I thought I’d gotten rid of that voice but its back, and just the same as it always was.
I started university a week ago and its brilliant
I feel like my problems have melted away and that I’m a whole new person
you know its bad
when your face is smiling
whilst your eyes are screaming
and your voice is saying
I wrote a poem a while ago, it stems from my feelings about myself and my ex. We both lied to each other, I allowed myself to believe his lies because I wasn’t ready to lose him, but I was the first to lie when I told him that I trusted him.
So here it is:
I am Pyro
The Prince of falsehood
And you, my love
You are my child.
For I recall the birth of you first tale
I recall the way it slithered from your tongue
And believe me when I say
I took pleasure in your words.
They slid into me
And I drank them
I drank them
Until no more whispers could be heard.
And now you cannot take them back
Your lies belong to me
For who, than I,
Could know you better?
I know you for your truth
Spoken in your soul
I know you for your lies
Hidden on your lips
And I know, my child
That you will always
Belong to me.
The past few days I’ve been trying really hard to stop thinking of eating as ‘failing’.
I need to remind myself constantly that it is okay to eat when I’m hungry and that the feeling of hunger is not something that I should enjoy.
Sometimes all I want to do is run, just run, to nowhere in particular.
Just to somewhere that isn’t here.
I had a dream about J last night and all its done is make me wish I was confident enough to ask him out… in the dream we were a happy couple.
But I suppose not being with him is for the best because I move away to uni in less than a month.
C’est la vie.
I’ve started up this blog as an anonymous personal blog just so that i have somewhere to vent and express myself without people from my real life seeing it
hopefully this will help me work through some things
even if there is no one seeing this, writing it down might give me some clarity